Up that hill, according to my overdramatic mind, was the decisive knowledge that would shape the decisions of my adulthood. Would my future be filled with hope, or would it be all dark tunnels, a claustrophobic coffin-like hallway until the final hibernation? Ya. That gloomy. Because I was twenty-three and convinced that I was infertile.
Independence costs. When initially, you think you're being brave and doing the right thing, venturing into adulthood, it later becomes clear that it was all an illusion. Those ads showcasing shiny coffee dispensers and athleisure for the ambitious under 30s as the lifestyle you must have, aren't presenting the truth.
“V’ahavta L’re-achah c’amocha.” Love your neighbour as thyself.
I’d run into the chatzer without shoes, so the gravel was digging into the soles of my feet as I found my place in our chet. My long black wrap around (uber tznius) skirt was immediately streaked in pinky orange dust. My mefakedet saw me and told me to turn around and zip up my sweater with my back turned to our group, exposing myself to the shetach, where we were supposed to set up tents for the night. Without preamble she explains why that activity has now been abruptly cancelled. “War has officially broken out.”
But no, we’re not all 6 ft tall, confident beauties with adorable smiles, sexy hoarse voices and endearingly honest senses of humour. I naively entertained the idea that, maybe here… here’s one for the ashkenazi girls. We can be tall, strong and gorgeous AF. That idea crumbled pretty quickly.
It was about coming to terms with the fact that NO, my body was NOT causing or going to cause a catastrophe, whether it be disgust or desire. It was about realising my body was not going to elicit any reaction from anybody, because my body was not for others to react to. It was for me.
This was the first time I cried. I broke down in front of those elasticated barriers that zig zag towards security stations at Trudeau airport. People consciously ignored me, in that uncomfortably, strained, polite way people usually behave with at airports.