RE: Boyfriend

*This post refers to an event that occurred over a week ago

Disclaimer: All sentiments are real, despite the fact that willfully choosing to be shomer negiyah makes the probability of these sentiments occurring before marriage slimmer.

 (To those who keep insensitively saying “Imertzei hashem by you”)

Today was over fatigued and in wake of argument with my mom over employment opportunities-was left heady and all languorous (you know-the after cry)-

Like a cat.

Realized after (satisfying?) two minute cry that I really wanted (wait for it- bad bad feminist desire about to rear its ugly head)…

Big strong arms around me in a gentle, soothing as fresh laundry, kind of embrace.

(Accompanied by a good natured teasing remark and a tender, yet wicked grin).

Now I’m aware -erm earth to me-that in real life guys don’t harbor some sensitivity mechanism that answers the call of female tears like batman to his bat signal. They don’t watch their partner have a whopping argument-which included swearing, Jewish guilt (“I love you mamehsheine”, “No you don’t, mom”) -and swoop to the rescue with a remedy to your aches and pains. Their first reaction isn’t to turn to the angry, crazy human being (who they are probably regretting every touching) and say lovingly “come, let me hold you. I have big strong arms that you seem to like.”

They probably awkwardly shuffle out, thinking it’s better to let you stew until you’re human-human again. Or they try to problem solve. Or they’re oblivious and thinking about a sandwich.

Which leaves you to soothe yourself.

So what I realized.

I don’t need a man.

I need a man shaped pillow and my own resolve.

I know what you’re thinking- there are inflatable dolls for that (cheeky). But I’m talking the next generation of boyfriend pillow. A new coming together of pillow and mannequin, sans the creepiness and perv factor.

The pillow of the feminist era.

So, Re: Boyfriend. It’s decided.

It’s brilliant. The best birthday present I can give to me.

I have to go to Tel-Aviv(home to the best looking people on the planet, ein safek. For real. You need to sign a hot person affidavit to get in), stop random guys on the street (#hotdudesandhummus already doing a great job of that), take a full body picture of random guy, get it pasted onto a big a massive pillow (measured and…ahem, stuffed accordingly). I will then shape it to match the measurements of said man and voila!

Bliss.

We’d be happy.

I think I could marry such a pillow.

I’d call him Itai.

We’d be happy

Forever.

Happy birthday to me!

Re: Boyfriend situ solved.

And then, when the clouds of lunacy parted I realized it was time to have a coffee, get some sunlight, and add another clever appellation (preferably involving a pun) to my word doc of cat names.

 

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